Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
