My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
