im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
40s are totally the cure
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
