So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
