I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
