My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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