Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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