Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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