I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
