fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
