i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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