Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
