Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
