I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
