....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
