I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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