There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
