mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My vagina is officially offended.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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