Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
