Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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