Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
