I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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