I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
