is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
