She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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