I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
