You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
