Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
