Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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