Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
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