I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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