I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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