I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
