If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
