So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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