haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
