I accidentally had phone sex last night
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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