I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
