How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
