I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
