I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
