Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize