It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
