I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
being pregnant is like rehab
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
