The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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