I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
