the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
