The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We have started to decorate penises.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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