I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
