so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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