I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
