he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
