My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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