I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
