Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
