I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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