Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
