Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
