I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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