Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
