somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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