oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
