My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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