Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
