i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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