and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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