The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
