you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
