I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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